I came out as nonbinary almost 2 years ago. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I told my kids first. They were both supportive and, I think, not surprised. I asked both of them not to tell their dad.
He was the one I was afraid of telling the most. Because he could be frightening. He was controlling for most of our marriage, I realized when I looked back. And he yelled. I was afraid he would yell and make me feel bad about myself.
About two weeks after I told my kids, I decided to just tell him. I never liked keeping secrets-that was one of our "things"- no keeping secrets from each other. (Although I found out that wasn't true on his part.)
He reacted just about the way I expected. He got angry. There was yelling. When I told him I was changing my name, he told me no, I wasn't. I stuck to my guns and said I was. When we visited our youngest child and their husband, he blew up in their local bar, an LGBTQ safe space. He frightened me and several other people in the place and humiliated and embarrassed me, my child and their husband.
I told him in September our relationship was over. It was a relief. I realized I haven't been in love with him for a long time because of the way he treats me.
The worst part of coming out is losing people and the disrespect. I know I've lost most of my family, especially on his side. His parents have been like my own since I was fifteen. His mom will call me my name since I legally changed it when she texts me, but my ex, who does now call me my name and use my pronouns, was talking to his dad and mom and they used my dead name. He told them my name was legally changed, and his father said he "would call her the name she's had since I've known her."
I haven't really heard from most of my own family. I have a sister and an uncle who are incredibly loving and supportive. I'm hesitant to trust one of my sisters, because I have a transgender family member, and my sister was rude about her, calling her "he/she/it" when talking about her.
I don't know if I'm the only one but there are times I wish I wasn't this way. This has been me my entire life, but I lived for my adult life as a woman, and it was all fake.
I don't want to go back to that. I'm happier being who I am. But it's hard to know so many people no longer want anything to do with me. If it is so easy for them to take their love away, was it ever really there at all?
My heart breaks for every LGBTQ child out there. Particularly transgender people, children most of all. Because I know how frightening it was for me as an adult, so it has to be so much more terrifying for them. I want to protect every one of them from the people who would hurt them or push them away, out of their homes.
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