Ten days ago I lost my best friend.
Her name was Maia. She was a German Shorthair Pointer and she was 12 years old.
I've realized over the last ten days that I've never been without a dog in my adult life. Maia was my heart dog-the one who truly stole my heart and took it with her.
I also realized that one true thing I know about myself is that I'm most fulfilled when I am needed and loved and giving both.
Not too many people in my life need me anymore; my kids are grown, my marriage has ended. I'm down to my grandson and a sister.
But I had this dog. She was what people call a "Velcro" dog. Constantly by my side. Jumping up whenever I did, trotting behind me or beside me. Sometimes giving me an abandoned look when I closed the bathroom door. She slept in my bed every night.
There are so many things I'm missing. She's not there watching me when I chop up vegetables, waiting for me to toss her a piece. She doesn't come running when a piece of ice falls on the floor. I don't hear her "ruh-roo!" bark at the door when she wants to come in. No claws clicking on the floor as she trots around the house.
I don't get to see her long ears perk up and the light in her eyes when she sees me. There's no one beside me on the couch during the day, snoring in the quiet, or padding behind me to the bedroom to wait while I brushed my teeth and then nose her way beneath the covers and snuggle her warm body against me.
She used to "tell me secrets". A cold nose snuffle in the air but it was funny. We'd play before bed when I grabbed her snout or paws and she'd clamp her jaws on my arm and squeeze-but gently-or bat me away with her paws.
The smell of Frito feet is gone, and the slightly coarse feel of her coat beneath my hands.
The last gifts I gave her were letting her go when I knew she was sick and in pain she needed to end; and to be there to hold her while she slipped away.
I tried to remember a single time in my life I've ever cried that hard and I can't.
I've read that people grow such a strong bond with animals that their loss causes grief akin to the loss of a human family member. I believe it because I'm living it now.
Someday this pain will end and I'll feel better, although I can't imagine that. In some ways I don't want it because it means the last of her is gone and I feel like my love for her will be a little faded.
I don't think that will happen, honestly. She took my heart with her.
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