The death of my dog hit me pretty hard. I know I was in denial when I decided it was time to put her down. I knew she had cancer-she had been diagnosed several months before and the vet hadn't given her a lot of time.
Somehow I believed that my energetic girl would always be here, perking up when she saw me, sleeping by my side at night. Coming on the run when she heard me chopping broccoli. Poking me with her nose to remind me she was next to me. Whispering by my ear to tell me her "secrets".
I knew it was time when it was time. All the signs were there and I was not going to selfishly make her suffer simply to keep her in my life.
But because of my denial I've had doubt since then. Was it really time? Was she really that sick? I have to tell myself how bad her symptoms were so I know it was the right thing to do.
And I felt like (sometimes still feel like) half my purpose is gone. I'm constantly looking for her, listening for her. I grab the bed cover she slept on because it smells like her. For a long time I slept with it because the feel of it and the smell made it seem like she was still there beside me. I had to stop because it's too hot, not because I wanted to.
But it's good that I did. I have to start letting myself realize that she's gone or I won't be able to move forward. I'm just stuck at this moment in time-the one where she died.
Today is the first time I was finally able to sit down and work on a rewrite I've been putting off for far too long. If I can try to keep going, write and get out, I'm hopeful I can let her go. As much as it hurts.
That's the hardest part of grieving, I think. The death of a loved one leaves a huge void in your life and it's incredibly difficult to move forward in time, leaving them behind. Meanwhile the void stays with you, reminding you of the one who used to be there.
I'll never forget her. I'll feel that void for the rest of my life. That's acceptable. Because I don't want to leave her behind, to forget that she was a part of my life.
I am also ready to move forward and get back to my life again, and carry the grief with me. Life is a series of happy surprises and negative experiences. We must learn to react to both and keep on living.
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