This has been quite the week for me. I spent the last several days talking to members of my family about the fact that I am non-binary. Fortunately, so far everyone has been extremely accepting and supportive.
I grew up in a world where things like "transgender" and "non-binary" were not even something I had ever heard of. I don't know of anyone else who had either, except probably people who were closeted and didn't talk about it. I only know I spent years questioning how I felt about myself.
Often I wondered just why I felt the way I did about my body. I didn't like the curves everyone else saw as so "sexy" and "womanly" about me. I felt uncomfortable most of the time, and trapped in a box that society expected me to exist within, simply because of how I had been born.
I spent most of my childhood being groomed and abused. I was told repeatedly that as an adult, it would be my responsibility to get married to a man, have sex with him every night and whenever he pleased, and have children. So as an adult that was something I felt I had to do.
Behaving as a woman was something that was expected, so I did it. Wearing dresses, the right styles, keeping my hair long, and wearing makeup were all a part of that.
There were even times when I questioned if I should have been born a boy. But when I really thought hard about it, and took time to reflect inside myself, I knew that wasn't the truth about myself either. Was I am mix of the genders? Male and female all twisted up inside? No, that wasn't it either. I looked up genderfluidity, but that didn't fit what I felt either. Finally I realized that I don't feel like either gender, not male or female. I am just me.
The more I have thought introspectively, the more I have realized that I can't live in this box anymore. I have to step out and be who I am. It took so much time and a lot of courage to finally tell my family that I am non-binary. I have felt accepted, embraced, and loved by them all, and with each one a weight has been lifted off my chest. I can breathe. I am happy. The feeling of hiding is gone. A lot of my recent anxiety is gone, as well. I don't think I really realized just how much pressure was building up inside me this last year as I battled to keep my secret and still wanted to be my true self.
And now I am. This Pride Month, June 2022 will always have special meaning for me! If you are someone who is out and proud I am so happy for you. If you are still closeted and scared, please know you can always reach out to me in safety if you don't have anyone else to talk to.
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