Yes, American Idol. I'm a junkie for that show and always have been. I admit it openly.
The first episode, a young man, ex-football player Blake Poehl,(my youngest child is also Blake!), brought his Nana in to sing for her during his tryout. He got his golden ticket (he was great, by the way).
He's 23 or 24 years old. What broke my heart is this: my current prognosis is 5-10 years, according to my neuro-oncologist. I outlived my last 5-10 year prognosis (despite the recurrence and deaths of everyone else I met in a forum of other with the same tumor and prognosis) so I can try to beat this one too.
But each year I live now is a gift. Another year when the tumor in my head is likely to upgrade. I have always said since the beginning of this that I don't fear death; I still don't. No one lives forever and we die to make room for the next generation.
But that audition made me sad because my own grandson (and yes, he also calls me Nana). Is only 5. The chances that I'll live to see his graduation are minimal, much less 24.
My scan in July of 2022 showed T2 Flair, which means blood feeding the tumor that sits on the tumor sitting on my motor cortex. They did try to remove it during March of that year, but I had seizures ever time they tried. They can't get it. If they try again, I'll be paralyzed.
I asked about the flair after my last visit with my NO. He said they're keeping watch over it with my MRIs every three months. If more flair shows up, or the tumor gets larger, they'll start me on "pretty good treatments ".
I'm not stupid. Upgrade in a tumor like mine means even if it is a grade 3, it is on its way to a grade 4. My life span will be significantly shorter, down to a year to two at the most when it becomes a Gliobastoma.
I want more. There is so much I don't want to miss beyond that timeline. I want to watch my grandson grow up. I want more time with my children. I want to play nerd games with my wonderful friends.
I'm not giving up. Despite that flair, I'm reaching for ten years and beyond. I did it once, I can do it again.
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